MY LIBERAL, OPEN MINDED, GOOD FRIEND IS A BIGOT, by Bernard Boswell
I have a very close friend who I
know to be liberal and open minded in her thoughts and actions but she has a
quite annoying habit that makes me cringe and stare at her in disbelief when
she does this. It makes her sound like the worst of bigots and she obviously
doesn’t realize it.
“Marcia” and I grew up together
from the time we were in middle school. We
became fast and close friends and remain so today, as we are both looking back
at 50. We have been there for each other through tragedies and triumphs. We have been the confidential ear and
shoulder to cry on, for each other through a myriad of relationship issues and
my brief, rocky, marriage. I am a straight male and “Marcia” is a Gay female.
Our love for each other and friendship is so strong that she often tells me
that I was the first person she “came out” to.
Growing up in the “hood” at that time was a lot different than it is
nowadays. And while it was never openly
discussed among the guys, I always felt and was taught that everyone is equal
and we are not to judge. So I didn’t.
Yes I was a little surprised when she told me, in our early 20s, but we
were such good friends at that time and so connected to each other emotionally
that I just accepted the news, honored my promise to not tell anyone else, as
she requested of me, and I think I really went out of my way to make sure she
knew her sexual preference was none of my business and did not change my
opinion of her, or our friendship in any way.
We socialize in a very close and somewhat
affluent circle and many times we are at the same functions. Sometimes we go
with our respective dates and sometimes she and I will go together. This circle includes some of our mutual
friends from the old neighborhood but it is mostly business acquaintances and
newer friends who we have met through business, church, work and many other
networks. (So as you can imagine, sometimes, some very close-minded types). Some of them know she is Gay. Some of them
don’t know that I am not. I have always
been secure with her and her Gay friends and I never felt the need to explain
or justify.
“Marcia” is a gorgeous, bronze
skinned, beauty and could hold her own against any arm candy out there. As a
matter of fact, there has been many times, when out of her ear shot, a man has
complimented me on the stunningness of my girlfriend. You know how the men talk
among themselves. I have never clarified
that she was not my girl or lamented she was unavailable to me, and them,
because of her alternative lifestyle preference.
Her annoying habit, however, is
that she feel the need to point out to me, in our private times, who is
gay. I find this habit very
bigoted. First of all, I don’t care and
lots of the time, I knew already. I
never place my basis for conversation, business opportunity, and further
connections based on a person’s lifestyle. If I like you, I like you.
The most recent incident happened
on the long ride home from a party we went to together. There were quite a few mutual friends in
attendance so we quickly became separated.
On the ride back she made note that I had spent quite a few hours
talking and laughing with “Rhonda”.
Marcia says, “She is very pretty, but you know she is gay”! This is what I find bigoted. And I must admit I find it somewhat
offensive. I find it bigoted because I
don’t think we should characterize or identify someone by sexual preference any
more than we should identify someone by their color. At least not in these days and times.
At the same time, I am offended
that my good friend thinks that the only way I, a man, and any woman can enjoy
each other’s company, laughing and talking is because there is a probability of
sex. First of all, I found out Rhonda
and I were in the same business. She is
smart and very funny. Secondly, I found out early in our conversation that
Rhonda was gay. Her partner wasn’t able
to attend the party and since I was “alone” we just wound up spending a lot of
time together. Marcia has on several
other occasions mentioned to me that a guy she saw me conversing with, or
spending time with, was or might be gay.
So on this hour’s long ride; I
made up my mind to call my very dear friend the name that we all hate to hear.
The word that we never think WE are. I
stated it calmly with dread but it was something that had to be said. “Marcia” I said, “you know, you are a
BIGOT”. Her shock was not masked. And in our patented, private, running joke,
style that we used when we required clarification; she said, Moi? How can I, a Black Female be a bigot? So I explained it to her with references cited.
So the conversation I had been
dreading for years was happening. My
best friend and I were having the conversation we both realized that we needed
to have. Instead of her being angry
about my name-calling she was more perturbed that I had waited so long to say
something. Something that she feels will
make her a better person.
We then both
had a good laugh.
And as we
further discussed, most of the time, bigotry is not intended or mean
spirited. It can be something as simple
as someone’s style.
In today’s world it is important
to be mindful and careful. Bigotry is
not just about Black and White anymore.
As people and cultures intermingle more and more it is important for right-minded,
right intentioned people to be conscious of our actions and our words. And by
the same token, it is time we all started communicating from a perspective of
love and respect for each other.
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